Title: Death and Taxes
Season: Late 2/Early 3
Rating: G
Category: Definitely Humor
Spoilers: Um, you know about Jacob and his snake, right?
Summary: There are two things in the universe that are inevitable. Usually.

Author's Notes: Host/Symbiote dialogue indicated by //this//. For those living out of the United States I've included a definition of terms at the end of the story.

"Incoming wormhole. Repeat we have an unscheduled incoming wormhole."

Colonel Jack O'Neill heard the Sergeant's announcement and quickly dried his body and pulled on his jeans. He sighed as his still-damp thighs brushed against the course cloth - he really hated going commando at work.

"Now he decides to come," Jack mumbled to himself as he grabbed a clean t-shirt and yanked it over his head. He shoved his sockless feet into a battered pair of running shoes and could only hope his still damp hair wouldn't drip all over the shiny SGC floors. So much for catching the last period of the Wings game.

He made it to the control room in record time, and wasn't all that surprised to find it nearly empty. Sure, the SGC operated around the clock, and yeah, occassionally teams had to leave at rather odd hours due to the need to "sync up" with the local world. But generally, only a skeleton crew remained after 2100. Jack also wasn't surprised to see his 2IC standing rather rigidly near the console. Sam greeted him with a small, nervous smile.

"Think its Dad?" Jack O'Neill asked slightly winded, as he bent down to tie his shoes.

"No other SG teams are due to report in this evening sir," Captain Samantha Carter replied, wishing there was a reason for her to sit down and play with the computer. She hated being idle.

Jack fiddled with the velcro on his watched and watched the chevrons lock into place. "Hey, it's only 2100, it isn't like we have lives outside of the SGC or anything." Jack said sarcastically. Sam shot him a pointed look.

"A semblance of life?" He amended. Sam just rolled her eyes and gave him an exasperated smile. Trust the Colonel to make an awkward situation at least tolerable.

"Receiving IDC confirmation now sirs - It's the Tok'ra."

"Come on Carter," Jack said touching Sam's shoulder slightly. "Let's go be neighborly and say hello."

"Dad is so not going to like this," Sam muttered, as she and the Colonel descended the stairs towards the Gateroom.

"You're telling me," an amused Jack confirmed behind her.

"Hey Jacob!" Jack said with a wide smile, as his favorite Tok'ra (and one of the very few he trusted) stepped onto the metallic ramp.

"Jack," Jacob said with a nod. He turned towards his daughter and opened his arms wide, "Hey kiddo," Jacob said warmly. "How are you doing?"

"Just fine dad," Sam replied, walking up to her father and giving him a large hug.

"So what's the big emergency?" Jacob asked looking back and forth between Jack and Sam. He couldn't quite figure out why the pair of them looked so nervous...

"Let's talk about it in the debriefing room, dad." Jacob raised an eyebrow in question but said nothing.

//Your daughter can be quite enigmatic when she so desires Jacob.//

//You're telling me! I haven't a clue why she needed to see me.//

//I'm sure she'll tell you all in good time.//

//Easy for you to say Selmak, you don't know my Sammy.//

//I have memories of both fathering and mothering over 8 children Jacob//

//Lucky you.//

Jack followed Sam and her father as they headed into the Briefing Room. On one side of the table was a rather hefty stack of papers neatly hidden inside a manila folder.

"I hope you don't mind Dad, but I asked Colonel O'Neill to stay as well."

//She had better not tell me that she and Jack are a couple!//

//Shhh Jacob. Be patient.//

//Not one of my stronger traits I'm afraid.//

//As you so fondly say, 'You're telling me?'//

"That's fine Sam," Jacob said. He glanced at the clock on the wall and then did a double take on Jack and his civilian attire. "Ah hell kids, I totally forgot about the time difference!"

"That's ok Dad." Sam motioned her father to sit down.

"It's what VCR's were invented for Jacob," Jack said crossing his fingers mentally that it was the hockey game that was being recorded and not some nature show.

Sam picked up the folder at the end of the table and sat down next to her father. She took a moment to pour a glass of water for both herself and her dad. Jack declined with a small shake of his head.


"Dad, as you know, your departure from Earth was rather abrupt last fall." Jacob nodded.

"You're telling me!"

//Told you//

//Ah, quit it.//

Sam smiled. "Well, as you might not realize, you left a lot behind." Jacob looked at his daughter in confusion.

"You don't mean stuff like magazine subscriptions or dry cleaning do you?" Sam shook her head.

"I'd just like to say for the record," Jack piped in, "how happy I was to see the Sport's Illustrated Swimsuit issue in the Officer's mess." Seeing the perplexed look on Jacob's face, Jack explained further. "All your mail was forwarded to the SGC, Jacob. Carter got the personal stuff, but we got to keep all your magazine subscriptions."

"Sport's Illustrated Dad?" Sam said unable to resist ribbing her father at least a little.

"What's the big deal?!" Jacob countered. "There are a lot of good articles in there." Jack nodded sagely as in agreement. Right. It was all about the articles.

//You didn't get the magazine solely for the articles Jacob.//

//Who asked you?//

"Sure Dad." Sam said with a small chuckle. "I did enjoy the National Geographic's though. Didn't know anyone still ordered those!"

//See? I can be cultured.//
//Of course you can Jacob.//

"Ok, so the SGC got my mail. I still have the house in Maryland, but that's paid for so there aren't any expenses there..." Jacob froze in mid sentence as the proverbial light bulb went off. "Taxes!"

Both Sam and Jack nodded. "Taxes," they repeated in unison.

"Sam, honey- I am so sorry! Have you had to draw money from your own bank account to pay the quarterly taxes?" Sam shook her head.

"The SGC has actually been taking care of most of your bills Dad. In addition to the house, there was also the sticky situation of your hospital status."

"Holly Hannah!" Jacob said giving his forehead a solid whack. "I forgot all about that."

"Luckily you were at a military hospital Jacob," Jack chimed in. "It was relatively painless for the SGC to grab all your files and stop any doctors from inquiring too loudly as to what happened to you."

"Well, that's something, right? And military insurance would have covered the majority of the costs, yes?

"In theory, yes."

"In theory?" Jacob's eyebrows crept upwards in confusion.

"Dad, usually there are forms to sign," Sam explained with an audible sigh.

"Forms I wasn't here to sign myself." Jacob said with sudden understanding. Sam nodded.

"I thought about forging your signature, Jacob, " Jack said, leaning onto the table. "But General Hammond wasn't so keen on the idea." Jacob shook his head and tried not to smile.

"That was probably a good call Jack." Jack just shrugged.

"There were other things outside of the hospital bills Dad."

"Other things?"

"You're 63 and...." Sam paused and suddenly smiled. "Dad! Your birthday is next week."

"These days Sammy, birthdays don't quite have the same meaning as they used too. But yeah, I will turn 64 in a couple of days." Jacob picked up his water glass and took a sip.

//Spring chicken.//
//Of your body? I don't think so.//
//What? You like my body.//
//I miss breasts Jacob.//

Both Jack and Sam were completely taken back when a stream of water suddenly flew out of Jacob's mouth as he began to cough and sputter uncontrollably.

"Dad? Are you ok?" Sam asked worriedly, pounding her father soundly on the back.

"Jacob?" Jack hadn't known the man that long, but publicly spraying water across the table didn't seem all that normal. Maybe it was a Tok'ra culture thing...

Jacob held up a hand. "I'm fine. Water just went down the wrong pipe." Seeing as that explanation wasn't quite enough, Jacob admitted the real reason. "Selmak has a lousy sense of timing." Jack and Sam shared a quick glance at one another before focusing their attention back onto Jacob.

"Care to share?" Jack asked finally.

"Not on your life," Jacob said succinctly. "There are some things best left between a man and his symbiote."

//You are *so* going to explain that statement later.//

//All I am saying is that as a female I was able to do things I cannot as a male.//

//I am way more comfortable now than I was when we were first blended, but if this is about sex- maybe you should keep it to yourself.//

//You thought I was talking about sexual preferences? Of course not! I just meant that as a woman, it is far easier to use charm and womanly attributes in certain situations.//

//I'll grant you that. But did you have to say something to embarrass me in front of my kid?//

//Just making sure you don't forget about me Jacob.//

//Fat chance of that happening.//

"Anyhow Dad," Sam said picking up the folder. "We thought we had everything straightened out until this arrived in the mail." Sam brought out a single envelope.

"My W-2's." Jacob said in sudden realization. "I need to pay my taxes."

"And there's more!" Jack said a little too energetically. "You made both me and Hammond feel guilty as we spied all your IRA's and mutual funds. Plus you're still drawing a salary as a General...."

"I'm a General again?"


"Why?" Jacob asked giving Jack a pointed look. Sam was only a Captain, any rank changes in his status had to go through George and possibly Colonel O'Neill.

"We needed a quick and dirty solution to your falling off the face of the planet Jacob. Although you knew you were sick before you moved to Colorado, you didn't think you were THAT sick."

"I really didn't Sam." Jacob said apologetically. "I was supposed to have a couple months left..."

"It's ok Dad. I understand, really." The memory of seeing her father lying on his deathbed in the hospital was not something she wanted to dwell on.

"But hey, all ended on an up note, right?" Both father and daughter shared an exasperated Jack O'Neill moment.

"But there was still the matter of explaining your absence to a lot of worried friends and family." Sam continued.

"So you made me a General again?"

"We reactivated your commission, told those who asked that you were undergoing a radical cancer treatment at an undisclosed location..."

"Which again was actually truthful." Jack said interrupting Sam's explanation.

"Sir, please!" At this rate, she'd never get home!

"Sorry." Jack said holding up both hands and leaning back into his chair.

"Around Christmas, we leaked information that you had accepted a top-secret assignment and would be unavailable for the foreseeable future."

"And it worked?"

"We're military Dad. Secret missions are what we do well."

"So while that worked in the short-term, it really wasn't a solution that we could keep up indefinitely." Jack said in closing.

"Dad, we need to figure out just what we are going to do with you." Sam said looking at her father with wide eyes.

"What do you mean kiddo?"

"Well, obviously you aren't really from around here anymore, right?" Jacob gave his daughter a wry smile.

"You can say that."

"So, we need to set up a system to take care of all these expenses and investments. There are plenty of people who live abroad and have all this taken care of for them. We'd just be taking the whole 'living abroad' thing a step further." Jacob wrinkled his eyebrows.

"That seems like a hell of a lot of work. I mean, I'm really not living here any longer." Sam nodded.

"We did explore other options."

"We thought about killing you," Jack added helpfully.


"What? It was an idea that was floated around."

"Actually Sam, killing me might be the simplest answer. It would tidy everything up. Plus, you'd get a nice little nest egg. Maybe buy that house you've been thinking about.

"Carter? You wanna buy a house?" Jack asked with interest.

"Just thinking about it Sir." Sam said before turning back towards her father. "There's one really good reason why I don't think that's a good idea Dad."

Jacob looked at his daughter for several long moments as he tried to figure out what Sam could possibly be inferring too. Suddenly he got it.

"Mark." Sam nodded.

"I know you and Mark aren't on the best of terms Dad, but if we 'kill you off' we'd be killing off your chance to ever talk with Mark again. You'd never get to know your grandchildren."

"Plus, you'd lose the right to drive legally." Jack added helpfully. "Dead guys aren't looked on too fondly if you're pulled over for speeding." Sam shot her CO a scathing look.

"And to be quite honest Dad, if we kill you, there'd probably need to be a public funeral and I would inevitably be expected to speak. I just don't think I could do that." Jacob reached out and gave Sam's hand a brief squeeze.

"I wouldn't expect you too Sammy. I also wouldn't put Mark and his family through that as well." Jacob paused to consider the options.

"So if I'm not dead, what am I?"

//I have a few suggestions.//

//Can't you go to sleep or something?//

"Coma?" Jack offered helpfully.

"I don't think so," Jacob said shaking his head. "Where's the body? Plus, that would be just as bad for Mark."

"We could let everyone know you are on some secret military mission."

"Which would actually be sort of right."

"What mission?" Jacob asked.

"Classified." Both Jack and Sam said at the same time. Jacob chuckled.

"Well, that might work for a couple of years but at some point I'm going to be perceived as being too old."

"And then there's the military element." Jack said. Two sets of eyes looked at him in puzzlement.

"Jacob is collecting a United States military salary while basically working for a different military." He raised his hands to hold off what he was certain to be Sam's protest.

"Everyone agrees that the liaison work Jacob is doing is absolutely vital to the safety and security of this planet. But Carter, you have to admit, it isn't like your dad needs the money, right?"

"He's right Sammy. Unless the Air Force starts paying me in naquada, there really isn't much use for U.S. dollars in space.

"Crappy exchange rate." Jack couldn't resist adding. Both Sam and her father shook their heads in exasperation. Sam couldn't help but wonder why she even asked the Colonel to be here. Right - moral support.

"Here's what we came up with Dad. The next time you can spare a couple of days; we are going to have a formal retirement ceremony for you. That way you won't be receiving a salary per say, but rather a pension- something you qualify for without any external manipulating on behalf of the SGC. And your pension should be more than enough to "live on" whenever you're on-world." Jacob nodded. That could work. "We have the paperwork giving Carter here your Power of Attorney."

"If it's ok with you Dad, I'll have access to all your bank accounts, investments, credit cards and the house. Using some of those funds, I will hire some professionals to keep track of everything so neither you or I have to worry about it."

"Yeah, you Carters have galactic responsibilities and all that." Jack was rather proud of his little witty remarks. Of course the fact that neither Sam nor her dad particularly enjoyed them didn't dull his enthusiasm for making them.

"Does this mean I need to give up my Citibank Card?" Jacob asked with a twinkle in his eye.

"I'll keep one card Dad, but I'm going to simplify a lot of your other accounts." Sam paused. "If that's all right with you."

"That's fine Sammy." Jacob said warmly.

"So I'm not on a secret mission then?"

"Nope. Something even more insidious," Jack replied with an evil grin.



"I'm on vacation?"

"Think about it Dad," Sam said enthusiastically. "You're been a hard military sort for most of your adult life. At your retirement party when friends ask you what you're going to do now, you say, 'Travel'. The best part is that you won't be really lying to them.

"And when you come back into town, you can water down some space adventure you have had and place it in a little known corner of our world. Instant tourist story!"

"This should work." Jacob said nodding. "I'm sorry you had to think about this on your own kiddo."

"Both the Colonel and General helped flesh out the retirement idea Dad. And it was Daniel's idea to have you travel."

"Heck, traveling will even explain your new sense of style as well." Jack couldn't resist adding.

Jacob lowered his head briefly. "Tok'ra clothing is very functional Colonel O'Neill."

"I'm not saying it isn't Selmak, but you gotta admit- the skirt thing doesn't exactly blend in around here."

Selmak regarded Jack for a moment before continuing. "I believe you would look quite fetching in a Tok'ra uniform Colonel." Selmak lowered her head as Jacob re-emerged.

"Was it just me, or did that phrase sound very, very wrong coming out of Jacob's mouth?" Jack said feeling distinctly uncomfortable. Sam tried to hide her grin but failed miserably.

"Jack, that was all Selmak," Jacob said slightly embarrassed.

"Quite the charmer, is she Jacob?"

"You have no idea Jack. No idea."

//That wasn't nice.//
//I was just joking with the young man Jacob.//
//You embarrassed him.//
//Embarrassed yourself you mean.//
//Saroosh wasn't kidding when she said you have a wicked sense of humor.//
//I don't believe she used the word 'wicked' Jacob.//
//It was implied.//

"Ok. So I'm on board with all of this. So what happens now?"

"Signatures Dad."

"Lots and lots of signatures," Jack added helpfully.

It was nearly 20 minutes before Sam handed her father the final document for signing. Jacob looked at the familiar blue and white form and began to laugh.

"1998 Tax Return*?"

"I figured as long as you're here..."

"Hey, I get money back this year!" Jacob said surprised. Sam nodded.

"Yep. And that money is going to buy me a new carburetor for my motorcycle."

"What?!" Jacob was shocked to hear that his daughter was using some of his money to buy something personal. Not that he would mind at all, but he was absolutely flabbergasted that Sam would even consider such a thing. She wouldn't even let him help her out with Graduate studies.

"I'm spending a lot of time getting all this set up Dad. And it was the Colonel here who suggested I pay myself a little salary out of your estate."

"Had to bend her arm big time Jacob. Daniel and I spent hours arguing with her as we hiked around off-world."

"I still don't know how I feel about the whole thing, but seeing as you've paid taxes for the last 4 years and somehow I managed to save you nearly $2500 through itemization... well, I don't feel that guilty any more." Sam concluded.

"$2,500?! Sammy, I knew all that math schooling would be good for something."

"Yeah, 'cause the whole saving our asses from interstellar disasters hasn't worked at all." Sam gave her CO a playful smack on the arm and then covered her mouth in embarrassment as she let loose a very large yawn.

"Ah geeze, it's nearly midnight. You kids should get to bed." Jacob said as he signed his 1998 tax return and stood up.

"We can put you up in the VIP room Dad if you'd like to stay."

"It's only mid day on my body Sam. I think I'll head back if it's all the same to you."

"Sure Dad." Together, the three walked down the stairs towards the Stargate. Jack took a moment to pop into the control room and have Sgt. Davis dial up the Tok'ra home world. Idly Jack wondered if the guy ever slept.

As they stood at the base of the Stargate waiting for the chevrons to lock into place, Jacob let out a dry chuckle.

"Care to share Jacob?" Jack asked slightly apprehensive. Last time he asked, that Selmak had flirted with him.

"Death and Taxes," Jacob replied.

"Excuse me?" Jack asked. Sam also looked at her dad confusion.

"You would think of the two, it would be easier to find a way out of paying your taxes rather than cheating death. Yet somehow, I managed to cheat death but still get stuck with the taxes!" Jack and Sam both grinned.

"Actually Jacob, I think that applies to most of us here at the SGC."

"Chevron Seven locked."

Jacob pulled his daughter into a tight embrace. "I promise to stay longer next time kiddo."

"I'll hold you to that Dad." Sam leaned over and gave her father a kiss on the cheek.

"Jack, you take care of my little girl," Jacob said, giving Jack a slap on the back.


"Ah, lighten up Sam- I'm a dad, we're allowed to say things like that," Jacob said with a smile. "If it makes you feel better, I expect you to watch Jack's back as well."

Jacob gave his daughter one last smile and then turned and walked up the ramp and into the shimmering blue light.

Maybe next year he'd find a way out of paying his taxes.


IRA- Individual Retirement Account

W2- Annual tax document from your employer listing the total amount of salary you earned and how much was withheld for tax purposes.

* U.S. annual tax returns are usually filed in Feb/Mar/April and are for the previous year's earnings.

A/N: I felt the need to write something a little different. Worry not, I'm still working on my other stories, just wanted to get this out on the cyber waves. Please let me know if my attempt at Jacob humor worked.

Completed 2/9/2003 (or 9.02.2003 depending on where you live)

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